I just don't feel right.
Im happy, I'm sad, I'm overwhelmed, I'm exhausted, I'm worried, I'm mad, I'm anxious.
I am regretting moving to Omaha, big time. I miss being in charge of my own life. I miss my (our) independence. I miss my friends. I feel bad that I really don't want to see or hang out with our family every single week or even every other week. It overwhelms me. I need space. I want my short time (weekends) with my baby to myself.
I MISS CHICAGO BADLY. I miss being inspired by what I see every day. I miss being around cultured people and people from all walks of life and from all ethnicities. I'm trying so hard to make the best of being here again, but I'm really struggling.
I love being a mom to Max and love being with Max but I hate feeling like a failure almost every single day.
I feel guilty for working, I miss spending days with him. I worry if I'm doing the right thing.
I wish our home felt like ours, but I don't think it ever will. When I say that I feel it will be taken as being ungrateful for what we do have, but I'm really not ungrateful. I just want it to feel like our place is ours. Like our apartment did. home. This doesn't.
I feel guilt over not being able to do it all. The house isn't clean enough or decorated the way I want. I have no time to myself to do anything but at the same time I'd rather just spend all my spare time holding, being with or playing with or taking care of Max so I guess I don't really want the me time.
I feel possessive and often anxious and worried when Max is with others, even momentarily. I don't want him being taken away from me. I hate being away from him even for while. It's so hard. I sometimes feel like people want to take him away from me.
I'm crying and I don't know why I feel this way. I feel like a failure feeling sad and feeling overwhelmed. I hate myself for not being perfect, thin, pretty enough... Everything. I feel like everyone else can do it all but I can't. I want to do things myself, I don't want help and I don't want people offering to "help" incessantly. It only makes me feel worse. If I need help I will ask.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going through the motions but I don't have time to really enjoy anything because inside I'm always worrying about what I haven't done or what I need to do or what I'm not doing right.
It's nearly a week from Christmas and we've only gotten one gift as of today. I hate feeling behind... all. the. time.
If we hadn't moved and changed SO many things in our lives all at once I feel like I would be doing much better. This move and new jobs for both of us, new home, new (again) city ON TOP of being new parents has really been incredibly hard. I feel like I will never feel normal and put together again.
I'm sad.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
The last day...
I know I've neglected my blog for quite a while. I plan to update it and "catch up" when I can. Not sure if that will ever happen, but the intention is there. ;)
I had to write today because I am feeling so overwhelmed with emotion, I had to get it out in some way other than crying.
I've been so lucky to spend the past 5 months with this sweet little baby boy of ours. He has grown so fast and is becoming such a big boy that I can't even believe it. Though adjusting to a new city, home, and motherhood all at once has been one of the hardest things I've ever done, I feel that the hardest thing yet is coming tomorrow and Thursday.
Today is my last day home with Max. Tomorrow I become a working Mom, something I always envisioned I would be, but never knew how hard it would be. Thursday will be Max's first day of daycare.
Making the decision to go back to work and leave my baby with someone else feels like I'm going against every fiber of my being telling me not to do it. Its overwhelming. I wish we could afford for me to stay home, but right now, we can't. I never thought I would even want to stay at home, but as soon as I laid eyes on this little boy, everything changed. Everything is different with him in my world. I feel a need to protect him and comfort him and be there for him every minute of the day. Thinking of him crying without me or needing my comfort feels like a knife to my heart. Not being there for him is going to be a huge challenge for me.
While my "career" will always be important to me, I can now say that being a mom is even more important. I hope one day I will look back and be glad I made the decision to go to work and help provide a better life for our family. I hope I can find that happy balance between being a career minded woman and a mommy. Right now it's hard to think about.
I sit here now rocking my sleeping bundle of joy holding back the tears that have been there since he was born. I knew this day would come and I know I will get through it. I know Max will be ok and I will gradually get over the anguish of leaving him. This week and in the weeks to come I will cry many tears. I hope it gets easier because I feel like I'm breaking.
I will miss him so much.
I had to write today because I am feeling so overwhelmed with emotion, I had to get it out in some way other than crying.
I've been so lucky to spend the past 5 months with this sweet little baby boy of ours. He has grown so fast and is becoming such a big boy that I can't even believe it. Though adjusting to a new city, home, and motherhood all at once has been one of the hardest things I've ever done, I feel that the hardest thing yet is coming tomorrow and Thursday.
Today is my last day home with Max. Tomorrow I become a working Mom, something I always envisioned I would be, but never knew how hard it would be. Thursday will be Max's first day of daycare.
Making the decision to go back to work and leave my baby with someone else feels like I'm going against every fiber of my being telling me not to do it. Its overwhelming. I wish we could afford for me to stay home, but right now, we can't. I never thought I would even want to stay at home, but as soon as I laid eyes on this little boy, everything changed. Everything is different with him in my world. I feel a need to protect him and comfort him and be there for him every minute of the day. Thinking of him crying without me or needing my comfort feels like a knife to my heart. Not being there for him is going to be a huge challenge for me.
While my "career" will always be important to me, I can now say that being a mom is even more important. I hope one day I will look back and be glad I made the decision to go to work and help provide a better life for our family. I hope I can find that happy balance between being a career minded woman and a mommy. Right now it's hard to think about.
I sit here now rocking my sleeping bundle of joy holding back the tears that have been there since he was born. I knew this day would come and I know I will get through it. I know Max will be ok and I will gradually get over the anguish of leaving him. This week and in the weeks to come I will cry many tears. I hope it gets easier because I feel like I'm breaking.
I will miss him so much.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Change
Wow, I've really been bad about my blog, I see. I've been meaning to post but there's so much to catch up on and I haven't had the time.
Change is the word that best describes the last several months for us. We've been through some of the biggest changes and challenges a family can experience in life all at once; the birth of a baby, a major move, a new job for Joe, and me leaving my job... All within a month. It has literally been a whirlwind of emotions and feelings and they still aren't calmed down yet, at least for me.
I will try to catch up on here as best I can as I find the time. I'm sure it will be fun to read back to these posts and remember this crazy time.
For now this is all I've got. It's off to bed for me.
Change is the word that best describes the last several months for us. We've been through some of the biggest changes and challenges a family can experience in life all at once; the birth of a baby, a major move, a new job for Joe, and me leaving my job... All within a month. It has literally been a whirlwind of emotions and feelings and they still aren't calmed down yet, at least for me.
I will try to catch up on here as best I can as I find the time. I'm sure it will be fun to read back to these posts and remember this crazy time.
For now this is all I've got. It's off to bed for me.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Twenty Four
We are at 24 weeks this week...pretty soon it will be the 3rd trimester! I can't believe time is going this fast.
We had our monthly appointment this week. I'm amazed how it's such a relief to hear this heartbeat each time we go. I always go in nervous, but I guess I shouldn't be. I have been a little worried about it just because I don't feel baby kick or move much yet. Thanks to the location of my placenta, low and anterior (in front), the Dr. told us it would be a little while longer before I could feel him. She said it's normal to worry, but try not to too much. I just didn't think it would be THIS long before I could feel the kicking and punching that everyone talks about. I was relieved that at this appointment she still wasn't concerned when I said I still wasn't feeling him very much. She said in the next few weeks I should start to, it's just around the corner. Don't get me wrong, I have felt little flutters here and there, and I assume its the baby, but nothing like others claim to feel who are much less pregnant than me, and nothing like my book says.. and to be honest, half the time I wonder if it was my stomach rumbling or gas or if it was really the baby. It's kind of annoying. I wish it would be obvious! I guess I just have to be patient and wait... Everyone keeps saying in due time this guy will start kicking me good! I can't wait.
At the next appointment we have to do another ultrasound to check the location of the famous placenta. Hopefully it's moved up a bit so I can start to work out (better late than never). I've was told no working out since they saw my placenta was low at 19 weeks. It's been ok so far, and I am feeling fine, but I bet I would feel awesome if I could do some sort of workout on a regular basis.
In other news, we we ordered and picked up our crib this week! So exciting! Of course it is still in the box sitting next to all the stuff we have to get rid of in what is now the office/spare bedroom, but hey, at least it's there and ready to set up whenever we are ready. Many thanks to Joe's parents for buying it for us. They surprised us at Christmas, letting us know they would get us the crib, so we finally decided on one we liked and got it ordered. Believe it or not, it's hard to find a simple modern crib that's affordable. I am so picky! Thanks to my seasonal job at The Land of Nod, I got a good price on it. I work my last shift there on Sunday though. It will be nice to have my weekends back now that I also have the full-time job again... 2 jobs is too much for a pregnant lady!
I have the design of the baby room pretty much finalized. We bought the crib bedding right after we found out it was a boy and that pretty much set the tone for the room. I LOVE IT. My friend Megan has been great to bounce ideas off of, she's a designer too, so it's been fun figuring it out with her. Of course Joe is in on all of it too, I fill him in on the ideas and he's good with it, of course. I can't wait to get started. We have so much stuff to get rid of before we can really start, but we hope to have the stuff gone in the next few weeks. I made a digital board in photoshop and drew up the room in CAD, so I'll have to post it once I get everything finalized. Fun!
We had our monthly appointment this week. I'm amazed how it's such a relief to hear this heartbeat each time we go. I always go in nervous, but I guess I shouldn't be. I have been a little worried about it just because I don't feel baby kick or move much yet. Thanks to the location of my placenta, low and anterior (in front), the Dr. told us it would be a little while longer before I could feel him. She said it's normal to worry, but try not to too much. I just didn't think it would be THIS long before I could feel the kicking and punching that everyone talks about. I was relieved that at this appointment she still wasn't concerned when I said I still wasn't feeling him very much. She said in the next few weeks I should start to, it's just around the corner. Don't get me wrong, I have felt little flutters here and there, and I assume its the baby, but nothing like others claim to feel who are much less pregnant than me, and nothing like my book says.. and to be honest, half the time I wonder if it was my stomach rumbling or gas or if it was really the baby. It's kind of annoying. I wish it would be obvious! I guess I just have to be patient and wait... Everyone keeps saying in due time this guy will start kicking me good! I can't wait.
At the next appointment we have to do another ultrasound to check the location of the famous placenta. Hopefully it's moved up a bit so I can start to work out (better late than never). I've was told no working out since they saw my placenta was low at 19 weeks. It's been ok so far, and I am feeling fine, but I bet I would feel awesome if I could do some sort of workout on a regular basis.
In other news, we we ordered and picked up our crib this week! So exciting! Of course it is still in the box sitting next to all the stuff we have to get rid of in what is now the office/spare bedroom, but hey, at least it's there and ready to set up whenever we are ready. Many thanks to Joe's parents for buying it for us. They surprised us at Christmas, letting us know they would get us the crib, so we finally decided on one we liked and got it ordered. Believe it or not, it's hard to find a simple modern crib that's affordable. I am so picky! Thanks to my seasonal job at The Land of Nod, I got a good price on it. I work my last shift there on Sunday though. It will be nice to have my weekends back now that I also have the full-time job again... 2 jobs is too much for a pregnant lady!
I have the design of the baby room pretty much finalized. We bought the crib bedding right after we found out it was a boy and that pretty much set the tone for the room. I LOVE IT. My friend Megan has been great to bounce ideas off of, she's a designer too, so it's been fun figuring it out with her. Of course Joe is in on all of it too, I fill him in on the ideas and he's good with it, of course. I can't wait to get started. We have so much stuff to get rid of before we can really start, but we hope to have the stuff gone in the next few weeks. I made a digital board in photoshop and drew up the room in CAD, so I'll have to post it once I get everything finalized. Fun!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Baby, Baby, Oh Baby!
Well, it's been quite a long time since I've posted anything. SO much has happened over the past few months, its actually kind of crazy.
Other good things happened at the end of 2011...
I accepted a new new full-time position at Harrington College of Design and started right before Christmas. It couldn't have come at a better time for us. Though I will be ineligible for any kind of paid maternity leave, I am happy to have the job so we can start to get back on our feet again.
We celebrated Thanksgiving 2011 in Chicago, just a quiet day to ourselves. I was still sort of sick with 1st trimester morning sickness, or should I say all day sickness, but I was able to make a nice meal for just the two of us. We were able to fly home for a quick weekend trip to spend Christmas 2011 with our families in Omaha. We had to leave Chloe and Louie at the vet, but flying was so nice and quick compared to driving.
As for me, I am doing well, I couldn't be happier to be past the 1st trimester as I was pretty much nauseous 24/7 up until about 14 or 15 weeks. Luckily I only threw-up in the evenings at home. It only happened once at work, thank goodness! Still, being sick like that is the worst! I was also so sensitive to smells, the big ones that bothered me were car exhaust, smoke, fireplaces burning, and body odor. I made it though and managed to eat what I could, even though almost nothing sounded good to me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to eat saltines or baked potato soup again since that's all I ate during though rough weeks.
Pregnancy has definitely changed me in many ways. I am tired all the time, so my once night-owl schedule is no longer. I can barely make it to 10 o'clock these days! I am super sensitive (yep, even more than I was) and I can cry at the drop of a hat. I've been able to manage it, I am just more sensitive to what people say to me and how they say it. When things seem to go wrong I can't really deal with it like I did before. It's definitely not a daily thing, but I am just a lot more emotional. Another big things is that I don't want certain foods that I once loved, like Mexican, Thai and some other things just don't sound good to me anymore. I don't really have any crazy cravings, but I feel like I want pizza, pasta, anything with red sauce or tomatoes more than I ever have before. My latest addiction over the past week or so has been grapefruit and orange sherbet (no, not together). I have been eating pretty healthy aside from the occasional pizza. I've been eating lots of fruit and I am just getting back into trying to eat some cooked vegetables again. Salads and some raw veggies have been ok, but I haven't really cooked many other veggies up until last night. I had some steamed broccoli with one of our staple dinners, salmon and wild rice, and the broccoli was good. They say the baby is now eating what you eat through the amniotic fluid, so I am trying to eat as many different things as I can with hopes that I will not have a picky child, we'll see! Bring on the veggies and fruits! :-)
Well, I better run for now. I've got to do some things around here and make the most of this day off I have for MLK day. More blogs to come soon, hopefully!
First, and most important news first...
We expecting our first baby on May 14th, 2012! We are very excited and time is really flying by! We have been so busy that I haven't had much spare time to blog, much less think about all the things we have to do before baby arrives. Ok, I've thought about it, but we haven't really done a ton yet. It's funny that in all of my past blogs I worried and wondered about when it would be the right time for us to have a baby and now that it's happened it seems like it is all working itself out. Like everyone says, there is no right time, but now it just feels like it was meant to be and we couldn't be happier to have this little one on the way. After 10+ years of marriage, I guess it was time!
So the story begins... I got sick for the 1st time the night before I left for California when we heard that Tommy wasn't going to make it. I was pretty nauseous and didn't feel well the whole time we were there. I thought I was just really upset because of everything that was happening, but other symptoms I was having made us wonder in the back of our minds if we could be pregnant.
Upon returning home and taking a pregnancy test we found out it was true, we were pregnant! A little scared and shocked we confirmed it with a test at my OB's office the following week and so began our journey...
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| Pregnant! 10.06.2011 |
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| 1st glimpse of our peanut - 10.22.2011 |
As I write this blog today I am now 23 weeks pregnant... over half way already, which is kind of scary. We are getting things in order but it seems like there is SO much to do. October to January went by in a blink and I'm sure the next 4 months will as well.
Other good things happened at the end of 2011...
I accepted a new new full-time position at Harrington College of Design and started right before Christmas. It couldn't have come at a better time for us. Though I will be ineligible for any kind of paid maternity leave, I am happy to have the job so we can start to get back on our feet again.
We celebrated Thanksgiving 2011 in Chicago, just a quiet day to ourselves. I was still sort of sick with 1st trimester morning sickness, or should I say all day sickness, but I was able to make a nice meal for just the two of us. We were able to fly home for a quick weekend trip to spend Christmas 2011 with our families in Omaha. We had to leave Chloe and Louie at the vet, but flying was so nice and quick compared to driving.
More Baby News...
A couple of weeks ago we found out we are having A BOY! At the big 20 week ultrasound, when we were supposed to find out, they couldn't tell for sure what the baby was. He was in a crazy position and the tech had a very difficult time getting all the views she needed to check all of the organs and development. We had to go back to re-scan 2 weeks later and it was confirmed it was a boy. Everything looks perfectly healthy with the little guy and they got all of the views they needed the 2nd time around. 
Well, I better run for now. I've got to do some things around here and make the most of this day off I have for MLK day. More blogs to come soon, hopefully!
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