The Worst News

It is with great sadness that I make this post.

My 14 year old brother Thomas passed away on Wednesday, September 28th. Cathy and I headed out to California on Thursday the 29th after having heard from Dad on Tuesday night that he wasn't going to make it. I am sad that we didn't get to see him and say goodbye in the hospital but everyone told us it was probably for the best. There was nothing we could have done when he was there that whole week, and after all the surgeries and the injuries in general, he was a completely different boy laying in that hospital bed. We will always remember him as the happy, easy going, cute little boy that he was. I'm sure it will take them some time to get the hospital images out of their minds. Seeing your child in such a horrible state must have been heart wrenching.

I dreaded getting to the house the day we arrived in California. Having been worried sick and crying a lot all week I just knew that seeing my Dad and Melissa and Delilah would be hard. I felt as though I was all cried out, but I knew that when I got to the house and saw them it would become real. We got there and that's exactly what happened. Words cannot describe how sad everyone was. It was unbelievable. We knew Dad was glad we were there and it was nice to be able to offer some comfort, just by being there with him. Seeing Dad and Melissa in that state was the hardest thing to watch. I couldn't believe that Tommy was gone and they were actually facing the death of thier son. I saw his shoes in his room and his things just as they were the day he left for school and all I could think was that he was going to walk through the door at any minute. It was unreal to try to actually comprehend what had happened.

We spent the days before the memorial service sitting around the house, helping with what we could help with, talking with the family, etc. Visitors would come by with food or flowers or just to see the family and everyone would get sad and cry again. It was very hard.

Cathy and I drove to where the accident happened. We saw the sign posted that read "We love you Tom" in his high school colors along with flowers and candles laid there from the candlelight vigil held the day before. We sat there and looked at the intersection in awe of how this could have happened. We just couldn't wrap our brain around how someone could completely run over a kid on a bike here. It was probably one of the quietest intersections in all of Elk Grove, even during after school hours we couldn't imagine how it would be that busy.

Joe came the day before to attend the funeral/memorial and it was good to have him there. The memorial service was very sad, but a very nice memorial for him. Tommy's Uncle Mark spoke (Melissa's Brother) as well as his Grandpa, and it was very touching and sad. Two of his former teachers spoke too, very nice words about what a unique, smart and sweet boy Tom was. They think about 300-400 people came to the service and it was nice to see all the support. At the end everyone filed through row by row, hugging and consoling Melissa, Dad and the family. It was hard to watch, but sweet to see all of the kids from his school and all of the friends there to show support.

It was very hard to leave knowing that Dad, Melissa, and Delilah's lives will never be the same. None of our lives will, but theirs will definitely be a new normal that will take so long to get used to. It has been a long couple weeks for me and I imagine it will be a long journey ahead for my Dad and his family without Tommy there. There will always be a piece missing for the rest of their lives. I can't imagine losing a child. No one should ever have to go through it. There are just no words to describe how they must feel. All I can hope for them is that as time passes it will get a little easier.

I got so much support from my friends and family and so did they. The support from the community was amazing and it was comforting to know they will be well taken care of. It is amazing what people will do and say to you during times like these. I am thankful for all of the support for me and for my family

View the Obituary in the Sacramento Bee

things...

Things are going better already.
We have our 3rd counseling appointment today and even after 2 sessions I already feel much better. It's nice to talk to someone and have her help us understand why things are the way they are and help us work on issues in a healthy and open way. So far I've only cried once. 1 out of 2, woo-hoo!
I probably should have done this long ago... for myself and for us as a couple. Lord knows I have enough baggage and family issues to deal with for 5 people, let alone one person. It's nice to finally get it out there and be able to talk about it openly.
It's amazing how the way someone thinks and behaves is based on the way they were raised and how their family did things. I was very aware of it before, but I am even more aware now. When it comes down to it, there really is no "normal" family environment or no "right way" to raise children. There are definitely wrong ways, but its amazing how even the most normal things that happen as a child can shape a person. Everyone acts the way they do because of their own unique experience, whether its bad or good.

On another note, we have lots of visitors coming to see us very soon. Joe's parents are coming in a couple weeks, then my mom is coming the week after (labor day weekend), then Joe's brother's, Ben and Andy are probably coming for a Greenbay Packers Game, and then finally in December my sister is coming! Whew! I'm sure the time will go fast and soon enough it will be Fall (and then Winter) again. Crazy! Even though I love Fall, I am going to enjoy the great summer weather we are having this week, comfortable and nice. aaahhh.

Update

I am feeling better since my last post. That's how it goes for me, I guess. It's off and on. If we don't talk about our problems it's as if there are no problems. We just go through the day-to-day and I manage to keep myself happy and busy doing everything I usually do. We have our first appointment with the marriage counselor this Wednesday, so we'll see how it goes. Hopefully she will be nice and knowledgeable and she will help us work out some of our issues, or at least help us communicate in a way that is more beneficial for us. I just hope I can get through the 50 minute session without crying for 45 minutes of it. I am such a basket case when it comes to talking about things. I am great at having discussions but when things get personal, I get so emotional and I cry. I go into the ugly cry and I am literally incapable of speaking without sounding like a blubbering idiot. It should be interesting.

Just to add a little insight to my last post...I can deal with the little 'stuff' that comes up in a marriage. The little annoyances, the small things, the nit-picky stuff. I have learned to look past a lot of things and not let it get to me. What I really hope to get help with is the major stuff....the things that we can't seem to agree on, and the things that majorly affect our lives and our future together. My goal is not to try to change Joe or to change myself into a different person, but to help us work through things in a healthy way. Everyone has their own issues as a married couple and as individuals. It will be interesting to see what happens. I will try keep this blog updated, as boring as it may be, so that I can reflect on it remember as we go through it.

In other news, we are coming to the end of the insane Midwest heat wave we've had for the past 5 days or so. It was miserable. Near 100 degree temps plus the super high humidity made it disgustingly hot here. It's times like these that I miss the dry heat of California. Between the heat and the thunderstorms we haven't had a good nights sleep in a few days. Even with our 2 window AC units our place is a sauna. Damn vintage apartments and damn 3rd floor! I miss central AC so much! Chloe had a tough time with it too, she's up panting all night and then the thunderstorms make her about have a heart attack. Louie still wants to snuggle when its that hot! He's nuts. I can't wait for Monday when it's finally supposed to be back to normal. Less humidity and lower temps. Bring it ON.

help

We just got back from our "anniversary dinner" and I am sitting here crying because I just can't do this anymore. I can pretend that I am happy, that we are happy. I can't pretend that I feel loved.
I feel that Joe and I are in two totally different places in our lives and we want two totally different things. I want to have a family and build our lives together... I want to grow and do better for us together. I want to make OUR lives better. Joe doesn't. Joe wants to do what he wants and what he thinks will make himself happy, regardless of how I feel or how it affects our lives together or how it affects our future.
I am sickened by the fact that we've waited 10 years to have children for that "right time" and now we probably will never have them because time is running out. We waited too long and we've ruined everything. It's too late to make MORE major life changes and postpone having kids longer and longer. It's too late. I am so sad and so unhappy I can't even describe it.
I want to go to counseling and Joe seems to be happy being unhappy. I am not. I can't pretend that everything is fine. I am sick of pretending. I have no one to talk to and I need someone to help us through this. This may not be the best place to write this but I don't know what else to do. I have been wanting to call a counselor for a long time but I haven't had the guts. After tonight I realized I can't wait any longer. We've tried to "fix" things ourselves and it doesn't work. We can't agree and we can't make things better if we both think the other person is wrong. I emailed the counseling center a few minutes ago for an appointment and we (or at least I) am going to seek counseling to help us through this.
This is not where I pictured us 10 years into our marriage. I refuse to be in a loveless marriage. I refuse to have a mediocre life with a mediocre relationship where there are no shared goals for a successful life together. It just doesn't make sense. I don't want to keep coasting through life like this. I can't do it anymore.
There. I don't know what else to do. I said it and it sucks.

10 years ago today...

10 years ago today I walked down the aisle to become Mrs. Zimmer.

Our wedding day seems like a forever ago but at the same time the years seem to have gone by in the blink of an eye. When I look at our wedding pictures I cannot believe how young we look. Bright eyed and full of excitement we began a life together, not knowing where the path would lead. We have been through so much together over the years, yet we still have so much to do.

Today we celebrate a decade of love, stress, laughter, sorrow, fear, happiness, change, excitement, family, growth, good times and bad times.
Today I look back on what we have accomplished together and look forward to what is to come for us over the next 10 years. I'm sure the years will be filled with even more than the first 10.
My only hope is that our marriage gets stronger with each passing year...

I, Mindy, take you, Joe, to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

7.14.2001