Update

I am feeling better since my last post. That's how it goes for me, I guess. It's off and on. If we don't talk about our problems it's as if there are no problems. We just go through the day-to-day and I manage to keep myself happy and busy doing everything I usually do. We have our first appointment with the marriage counselor this Wednesday, so we'll see how it goes. Hopefully she will be nice and knowledgeable and she will help us work out some of our issues, or at least help us communicate in a way that is more beneficial for us. I just hope I can get through the 50 minute session without crying for 45 minutes of it. I am such a basket case when it comes to talking about things. I am great at having discussions but when things get personal, I get so emotional and I cry. I go into the ugly cry and I am literally incapable of speaking without sounding like a blubbering idiot. It should be interesting.

Just to add a little insight to my last post...I can deal with the little 'stuff' that comes up in a marriage. The little annoyances, the small things, the nit-picky stuff. I have learned to look past a lot of things and not let it get to me. What I really hope to get help with is the major stuff....the things that we can't seem to agree on, and the things that majorly affect our lives and our future together. My goal is not to try to change Joe or to change myself into a different person, but to help us work through things in a healthy way. Everyone has their own issues as a married couple and as individuals. It will be interesting to see what happens. I will try keep this blog updated, as boring as it may be, so that I can reflect on it remember as we go through it.

In other news, we are coming to the end of the insane Midwest heat wave we've had for the past 5 days or so. It was miserable. Near 100 degree temps plus the super high humidity made it disgustingly hot here. It's times like these that I miss the dry heat of California. Between the heat and the thunderstorms we haven't had a good nights sleep in a few days. Even with our 2 window AC units our place is a sauna. Damn vintage apartments and damn 3rd floor! I miss central AC so much! Chloe had a tough time with it too, she's up panting all night and then the thunderstorms make her about have a heart attack. Louie still wants to snuggle when its that hot! He's nuts. I can't wait for Monday when it's finally supposed to be back to normal. Less humidity and lower temps. Bring it ON.

help

We just got back from our "anniversary dinner" and I am sitting here crying because I just can't do this anymore. I can pretend that I am happy, that we are happy. I can't pretend that I feel loved.
I feel that Joe and I are in two totally different places in our lives and we want two totally different things. I want to have a family and build our lives together... I want to grow and do better for us together. I want to make OUR lives better. Joe doesn't. Joe wants to do what he wants and what he thinks will make himself happy, regardless of how I feel or how it affects our lives together or how it affects our future.
I am sickened by the fact that we've waited 10 years to have children for that "right time" and now we probably will never have them because time is running out. We waited too long and we've ruined everything. It's too late to make MORE major life changes and postpone having kids longer and longer. It's too late. I am so sad and so unhappy I can't even describe it.
I want to go to counseling and Joe seems to be happy being unhappy. I am not. I can't pretend that everything is fine. I am sick of pretending. I have no one to talk to and I need someone to help us through this. This may not be the best place to write this but I don't know what else to do. I have been wanting to call a counselor for a long time but I haven't had the guts. After tonight I realized I can't wait any longer. We've tried to "fix" things ourselves and it doesn't work. We can't agree and we can't make things better if we both think the other person is wrong. I emailed the counseling center a few minutes ago for an appointment and we (or at least I) am going to seek counseling to help us through this.
This is not where I pictured us 10 years into our marriage. I refuse to be in a loveless marriage. I refuse to have a mediocre life with a mediocre relationship where there are no shared goals for a successful life together. It just doesn't make sense. I don't want to keep coasting through life like this. I can't do it anymore.
There. I don't know what else to do. I said it and it sucks.

band of brothers

Joe's brothers, Steve, the oldest, and Andy, the youngest, came to visit us 4th of July week. Unfortunately, Joe's other brother, Ben, who is in Las Vegas for the Air Force couldn't make it this time.
We had a fun and jam-packed 3.5 days...
Cubs vs. Sox game at Wrigley Field, thanks to my awesome in-laws for the tickets!!
It couldn't have been a more perfect day for a Cubs game. The weather was great and there was a nice breeze once we got inside. This was Joe and my first cross-town classic, where the Cubs and White Sox play, and also our first Cubs game where they have actually won! Woo-hoo! We got to hear (and sing) the "Go Cubs, Go" song that they play when they win (the song was stuck in our head for their entire visit, one of us was always singing it! ha ha!). Andy and Steve really enjoyed getting to see Wrigley from the inside. It is amazing place to watch baseball and to people watch too, truly an experience. We had some hot dogs and enjoyed game.

Later that evening we visited the one of our favorite places for the best gourmet burgers in Chicago, DMK Burger Bar. Steve and Andy both enjoyed it a lot, it's SO good!
We had fun at Montrose Beach, played Frisbee in the water and enjoyed a nice day. We played tennis and Frisbee at Winnemac Park near our place on the 4th of July and went to the Field Museum to see the Whales exhibit. It was really cool to see the gigantic whale bones, too bad I couldn't take photos of them. The rest of the museum bores me to tears, but luckily I brought my camera and was able to keep myself occupied taking photos of the museum's architecture and playing with my camera settings. I was able to get some pretty good shots. Afterwards we walked around Museum Campus and took in the great views of the city and lake. Six years living here and the view of the magnificent Chicago skyline and lake never fail to impress me. LOVE this city.

The boys had some time without me at the U2 concert at Soldier Field and they had a blast. Joe and I saw them there a couple years ago, so I opted not to go a 2nd time. They enjoyed it.

We also managed to squeeze in a little kayaking on the lake before they left on Wednesday morning. We had fun paddling around and enjoying the water from a different angle.

 See all the photos from their visit HERE.

10 years ago today...

10 years ago today I walked down the aisle to become Mrs. Zimmer.

Our wedding day seems like a forever ago but at the same time the years seem to have gone by in the blink of an eye. When I look at our wedding pictures I cannot believe how young we look. Bright eyed and full of excitement we began a life together, not knowing where the path would lead. We have been through so much together over the years, yet we still have so much to do.

Today we celebrate a decade of love, stress, laughter, sorrow, fear, happiness, change, excitement, family, growth, good times and bad times.
Today I look back on what we have accomplished together and look forward to what is to come for us over the next 10 years. I'm sure the years will be filled with even more than the first 10.
My only hope is that our marriage gets stronger with each passing year...

I, Mindy, take you, Joe, to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

7.14.2001