The Worst News

It is with great sadness that I make this post.

My 14 year old brother Thomas passed away on Wednesday, September 28th. Cathy and I headed out to California on Thursday the 29th after having heard from Dad on Tuesday night that he wasn't going to make it. I am sad that we didn't get to see him and say goodbye in the hospital but everyone told us it was probably for the best. There was nothing we could have done when he was there that whole week, and after all the surgeries and the injuries in general, he was a completely different boy laying in that hospital bed. We will always remember him as the happy, easy going, cute little boy that he was. I'm sure it will take them some time to get the hospital images out of their minds. Seeing your child in such a horrible state must have been heart wrenching.

I dreaded getting to the house the day we arrived in California. Having been worried sick and crying a lot all week I just knew that seeing my Dad and Melissa and Delilah would be hard. I felt as though I was all cried out, but I knew that when I got to the house and saw them it would become real. We got there and that's exactly what happened. Words cannot describe how sad everyone was. It was unbelievable. We knew Dad was glad we were there and it was nice to be able to offer some comfort, just by being there with him. Seeing Dad and Melissa in that state was the hardest thing to watch. I couldn't believe that Tommy was gone and they were actually facing the death of thier son. I saw his shoes in his room and his things just as they were the day he left for school and all I could think was that he was going to walk through the door at any minute. It was unreal to try to actually comprehend what had happened.

We spent the days before the memorial service sitting around the house, helping with what we could help with, talking with the family, etc. Visitors would come by with food or flowers or just to see the family and everyone would get sad and cry again. It was very hard.

Cathy and I drove to where the accident happened. We saw the sign posted that read "We love you Tom" in his high school colors along with flowers and candles laid there from the candlelight vigil held the day before. We sat there and looked at the intersection in awe of how this could have happened. We just couldn't wrap our brain around how someone could completely run over a kid on a bike here. It was probably one of the quietest intersections in all of Elk Grove, even during after school hours we couldn't imagine how it would be that busy.

Joe came the day before to attend the funeral/memorial and it was good to have him there. The memorial service was very sad, but a very nice memorial for him. Tommy's Uncle Mark spoke (Melissa's Brother) as well as his Grandpa, and it was very touching and sad. Two of his former teachers spoke too, very nice words about what a unique, smart and sweet boy Tom was. They think about 300-400 people came to the service and it was nice to see all the support. At the end everyone filed through row by row, hugging and consoling Melissa, Dad and the family. It was hard to watch, but sweet to see all of the kids from his school and all of the friends there to show support.

It was very hard to leave knowing that Dad, Melissa, and Delilah's lives will never be the same. None of our lives will, but theirs will definitely be a new normal that will take so long to get used to. It has been a long couple weeks for me and I imagine it will be a long journey ahead for my Dad and his family without Tommy there. There will always be a piece missing for the rest of their lives. I can't imagine losing a child. No one should ever have to go through it. There are just no words to describe how they must feel. All I can hope for them is that as time passes it will get a little easier.

I got so much support from my friends and family and so did they. The support from the community was amazing and it was comforting to know they will be well taken care of. It is amazing what people will do and say to you during times like these. I am thankful for all of the support for me and for my family

View the Obituary in the Sacramento Bee

Regrets

I saw this quote posted a few days ago and it really stuck with me.

Never regret anything because at one time it was exactly what you wanted.


I have a tendency to regret a lot of things and I probably shouldn't. I'm not in a good place right now. Things just aren't going well and it's hard.
Thats all for now.

More Cwofy Tauk (Coffee Talk)

I was talking to my sister tonight about my last blog post - the one I posted only a few hours ago - she read it and of course we proceeded to have a long bbm (blackberry messenger) convo about self esteem and how I need to learn to like myself more and quit comparing myself to others. Maybe I need to read a book about it or something. Self help section, here I come! She's always there to steer me in the right direction. She is also very different from me in that most of the time she could care less about what people think of her. I admire that quality!
She also found this short blog about "Facebook Depression." I know the term has been thrown around on the news recently, but this blog (from way back in 2009) pretty much sums it up in a short and sweet way. I'm not saying I'm depressed or anything, but I do get how emotional people like me can let it affect them too much. This blog is a hilarious read and it made me feel less crazy and gave me a good laugh too. The comments on the blog are even better. Lord knows I am not the only one! So...I don't think I'll be cancelling my Facebook account anytime soon, and I don't think Facebook is evil, but maybe I need to take a little facebook vacation from time to time.
http://lesser-evil.blogspot.com/2009/01/facebook-depression.html

Here is another good article about comparing ourselves to others, Cathy found this too. Good tips. Thanks!
http://www.mind-your-reality.com/comparing_yourself_to_others.html

One last thing before I sign off. As my sister and I were chatting tonight I received an email totally out of the blue from a friend who is on the alumni board with me. It was the nicest thing anyone has said or written to me in a while. I don't think she reads (or knows about) my blog, so it was very odd that she sent it to me right after I posted that blog tonight. It's like she knew exactly how I was feeling.
I had to post her email here because it was so nice and sincere I just had to share. She made my night. On the off chance she does read my blog, I hope she is ok with me sharing this.

"Mindy,
It might not mean much coming from me, but I just wanted to tell you how awesome I think you are.
I sometimes feel bad complaining about work, knowing how lucky I am just to have a job.
Last spring/summer, I made a short-lived and half-assed attempt to update my portfolio and look for new job. I was neither disappointed nor surprised when nothing came to fruition because my effort was just that: half-assed.
Over the holidays, however, I really started an all-out (for me), dedicated job search. I even sacrificed running to devote more time to find new work. While I know a new job won't come easily or quickly, I have already become extremely frustrated with the lack of results.
The fact that you've been in this position for an extended period of time puts it in perspective for me. But what I really admire is (1) your constant positive attitude and (2) how you've maintained your skills and relevance in this industry. I don't know that I could do the same in your position.
For what it's worth, I continue to pray that you will find work in due time. I know that when you do, the company that hires you will be the lucky one.
Hang in there"

Enough?

I'm feeling "meh" right now. I don't know why.... I just feel inadequate. I hate that I feel this way, but I often beat myself up with my own thoughts. I feel like I'm not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, rich enough, smart enough, cool enough....the list goes on. Why? I wish I knew.

This is how I've always been. I worry way too much about what other people think of me. Actually, the thought of it consumes me sometimes...like right now. I worry about it for no apparent reason. I'm a total worrier and I hate it. I appear confident (most of the time) on the outside, but inside I am shy and insecure. I dislike this about myself.

I think some of these feelings are heightened by all of the social networking we are doing these days. Everyone my age and younger is so obsessed with documenting everything in their life and sharing it with everyone they know... Facebook, Twitter, blogs, etc, etc. I admit to doing the same thing and I am not against Facebook or blogging (obviously) - I think all these things are great. However, I do see the negative side of it when I start to feel more insecure about myself as a result.

If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. We post only the best pictures of ourselves, we post statuses about the awesome thing we are doing or the wonderful vacation we just took or things we just got so that everyone else knows how great we are. It's all just so phony to me. No one's life is perfect yet most people try to give their "friends" a certain impression of who they are and how great their life is. Don't get me wrong,  it would suck if everyone posted sad/boring/depressing things all the time, so that's not what I am saying. (Kind of like my blog...sorry it's so depressing sometimes!)  For me, I guess all of this stuff becomes more for me to compare myself to. I compare my life to yours, the way I look to the way you look, the things I have to the things you have, then I look at myself and think I am less than.

Maybe I am the only one who feels this way....maybe I am crazy, I don't know. Maybe I just need to repeat the following mantra over and over to myself until I start to believe it.....

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." 



Time's Up

This week has been particularly hard. It just seems like things are crumbling around me. After all of the interviews I've had over the past couple of weeks, I am left holding out hope for only one of them. That's so upsetting. I also found out this week that my unemployment is pretty much over, or it's dropping down to $80/week because they are now basing the amount I get on my part-time work at Harrington, which is minimal. I will won't end up getting that $80 anyway since I make more than that at Harrington, they will just cancel it. Whatever, I knew this would eventually happen. I can't expect to have it forever. So, we are pretty much screwed with me only having my part-time work. It's just not enough for us to live on. If I don't get a job, any job, within 2 weeks we won't be able to pay our bills. Oh, and we did our taxes this week and we have to pay taxes this year because we took out what little I had in my 401k just to help us get by for a while last year. Awesome. We don't owe a ton, but still. What else can go wrong for us, money-wise?

I feel awful. Like this is all my fault...because it is. I am the one who can't get a job. I hate to put all of this stress on Joe too....I know it's just as hard for him and I feel like I am disappointing him all the time. It's so hard on both of us and our marriage and everything aspect of our lives. I can't even think about the fact that I am 31 years old and at this horrible place in my life. This is not what I imagined and it sickens me to think about it. I feel like a total failure. We can't even afford to take our dogs in for their annual shots and exams.

There really aren't words to explain how depressed I feel. I pretend that everything is ok on the outside, but it's not. Two years of job searching and interviewing and still...nothing. It makes me feel worthless. I know everyone says that "things will eventually get better" and I try to believe that, but I am forced to live in present just trying to figure out what to do to get through each day and each week. It's hard to focus on anything positive when we can't seem to catch a break.

So yesterday I sat at the computer all day and applied for a bunch of crappy retail jobs, part-time and full-time, anything I could find... and even Starbucks. I am desperate at this point and I have to do anything to bring in money so that we can make some attempt to pay our bills and stay afloat. I can't believe it's come to this. In the back of my mind I am hoping that a firm will email me with a job offer to save the day, just in the nick of time, but I can't count on that.

Sorry this was probably one the most boring posts to read. I wish everything was happy and fun, but it's not.

Frustration Nation

After my interview the other night at the project management company, I got in the car and felt SO depressed and sad. I am SO sick of interviewing!! I am completely and utterly frustrated. I hate the roller coaster that I am on right now... up and down, up and down, having interviews, getting rejected, over and over. It really takes a toll on a person, no matter how much I try to stay in the positive, it's really just hard to handle emotionally. It's hard not to get down on myself, which I tend to do.

Yesterday, I just felt so out of it, so mentally beat down from all of this. Not because I got rejected from the last job, but just because the whole job search process is such a drag. I feel like the constant interviewing takes more out of me than the rejections. So, last night I went out with a couple of friends for a some drinks at happy hour. I literally dragged myself there, I really wasn't in a good mood, but I went anyway, and it was good to talk with them and get their perspective on things. So, I felt a little better after that, but still confused and upset.

I am not trying to have a pity party here, I just feel like I have the right to be sad. I cannot believe it will be 2 years this February that I was laid off. It's sickening to me. I NEVER thought it would be this long. I feel like a failure. I want my life to begin again. I want to move on and be done with this phase, but I feel like I have no control. Everything is out of my control and I hate that. I mean, I am glad that I have my part-time work at Harrington, it just isn't the same as having a full-time job like I had before working at a firm. It's also not that I think having a job will complete me and make me happy, it will just allow me to move on to the next stage of my life, like moving to a nicer/better place and eventually having a baby. Right now I just feel like I am swimming up stream....I'm getting nowhere.

While I'm glad I have been getting all of these interviews recently, I am bummed that none of them are truly design related or with A+D firms. Interviewing at the project management company just made freak out, I was so uncomfortable pretending that I would like that job when I knew I really wouldn't. When they told me, "If you want to do design or have a future in design, this is not the place for you," and I pretended that was OK, it just made me so upset.

Recently, there have been some supposed openings at a few design firms, but they just don't move quickly. I hear about them, I send my resume, I follow up, and nothing happens. I feel like the firms just aren't hiring. There has been some movement, but not much.

I know I should just take any job (if I ever get an offer) just to get back to work again and then keep looking for the "right" job, but I fear that working outside of the industry, or in another side of the industry will make it even harder to get back into a firm, where I think I want to be. I feel like the longer I am out of it the harder it will be to get back in. It's so scary and frustrating.

I really have a hard time getting excited about jobs that I think are not what I want to do. I guess I need to convince myself that if I get a job, even if it's not the ideal one, I will feel better and I will be able to move on to the next phase in my life.

Worrying about Parents

Since I heard the news about Joe's Uncle I have been thinking a lot about how someone can be taken from you so suddenly. I've been worrying about our parents and their health more and more. I've been thinking about my Dad and Joe's Dad and worrying about them a lot...especially since they are about the same age as Grady was. I guess that's a natural thing to do when someone passes away who was close to their age.

The scary thing is, you just never know when a heart attack or something just as serious might happen to someone in your family. I hope that our Dads (and Moms) know how important it is that they take care of themselves as they get older. However, I do know things can happen even when people are in relatively good shape. Like for Grady, I would never have looked at him and thought he would be at risk for a heart attack, so I guess you just never know. 

I always hear stories on the news about how men don't go to the Doctor to get check-ups as regularly as women do. They tend to go only when it's an emergency, which isn't always the best thing to do. I hope that as our parents get older they realize that they need to pay more attention to their health and GO to the Dr. for basic yearly exams! I can't imagine losing my Dad or Joe's Dad at such a young age, so I can't even imagine how Joe's cousins feel to have lost their Dad so young. :-(

Babies Babies Everywhere

Latley all I have been thinking about is babies. I think I want a baby more than I want a job at this point. I know that’s not what I should be thinking, but unfortunatley it is. UGH. And to think, I thought I had “baby fever” when I was 23, when Joe and I were newly married! That has nothing on me now. I dream about babies, I look at baby stuff all the time, I write down baby names. Man…if this isn’t baby fever, then I don’t know what is.
I just wish now was a good time for us to have a baby, but its not. The older I get the more worried I get about us not being able to get pregnant, but I know I have a few more good years. Ha-ha. Hopefully (soon) I will get a full-time design job and our lives will get back on track and then we can really start seriously thinking about starting a family. I know they say there is no perfect time, but I know that things can definitly be better than they are now for us.
I think another contributing factor to my baby fever is that so many of my old high school classmates and other girls around my age are popping them out left and right. Apparently it’s the hip thing to do right now for my age-group. Ha-ha. Not that peer pressure is causing me to want a baby, but it sure makes you think you better get cracking when people have 2 and 3 kids and we have none. Time’s-a-tickin’.
Anyway…just wanted to get that off my chest. Someday (hopefully sooner rather than later) I will hold our first baby in my arms. I just can’t wait for that day.

Moving???

I hate to be such a downer all the time but I am so mad/upset/confused right now.
We got our lease renewal for our apartment lease that isn't up until April 30th. YES, here in Chicago, they have the right to ask you to renew your lease like 90 days in advance which is so STUPID!!  So, we have to tell them by February 22nd if we are going to stay here.... for a small rent increase.... and by Feb 28th for a larger rent increase.! EFF!  I/we really want to move to a better apartment that's not so "vintage", but it's hard to predict if we can when I STILL don't have a job yet. ugh. How are we supposed to know in like 12 days from now what we want to do?!  I mean, what if we say we are going to move and then I STILL don't have a job and/or we cant find a better place?  All I know is that I don't want to be stuck in our place for another year. I mean, I love the area, I don't mind the place most days, but I am getting sick of not having basic things like an updated bathroom and kitchen and a dishwasher and laundry in the unit. Is that too much to ask?  I mean, I guess we could plan on moving and then just bust ass and make it work, but I am worried it wont work. I just don't want to be caught in the position of them finding a renter for our place and then we decide we want to stay, or have to stay, and we cant.
Geez, life is hard right now and I'm not handling it very well.  I am just sick of trying to be positive because things AREN'T getting better out there in the jobs department and I am frustrated as all hell.
OK. Off to bed to sit awake and worry about this all night. yay.

new year blues

Its the new year and you are supposed to feel like you can restart and be happy and all that good stuff. Not me...I just feel bummed out now because I look back at 2009 and think about how I have done almost nothing this past year to better myself or my career. Aside from the weight loss, which is good I know, I feel like I haven't accomplished anything else.

My lay off has really screwed me up career wise and I can't believe its been this long and people still are not hiring in my industry. Its still really slow out there. I have talked to a couple people in my field and they said they think it will be a while before things pick up. They said this is the worst they have seen it for our industry since 1992. Man, its hard not to feel like I got the short end of the stick here. I just get started with my new career and then, BOOM...I am laid off during one of the worst times ever for our industry. Its hard not to feel like I made the wrong decision or like I screwed up. I am getting to the point where I don't know what I am going to do next. I may have to find something else to do for work that is completely unrelated to my field, just to make money, which sucks. I think it will be even harder to find something unrelated because who will hire me knowing that I am a designer and I am going to go back to that as soon as I can?!

Its hard not to get upset about it because I feel like I have messed up so many things for us. Even though its really not my fault, I feel like it is. I want to have a family and move forward with our lives, and because of my lay off we are at a stand still. It is hard, I guess I am just not sure what to do next. I worry about things one day, and the next day I don't. I try to stay positive, but its hard to be in limbo like this. ugh. I don't know if we should stay here in Chicago or if we should move, I don't know where I want to be, I just know I want to get back to normal, whatever that is.

Plus, I have never really wanted to have a baby more than I do now and I feel like we will have to wait forever for things to be settled again so that we can. Everywhere I turn and everything I do, all I think about is having a baby. Maybe its turning 30, maybe its just been long enough, I don't know, I just know that I want to have one in the near future. But then, when I think about a baby I worry about money and about where we will live and where I will be working, and how we will afford day care, clothes, food, etc, etc...so then a whole other bag of worms gets opened when I think about a baby, so it just adds to the stress. I wish things could be back to normal and I could get a decent job so we could get back on track. I wish, I wish, I wish.... apparently that doesn't work.
Sorry for the pity party, just feeling bad lately I guess.