The last day...

I know I've neglected my blog for quite a while. I plan to update it and "catch up" when I can. Not sure if that will ever happen, but the intention is there. ;)

I had to write today because I am feeling so overwhelmed with emotion, I had to get it out in some way other than crying.

I've been so lucky to spend the past 5 months with this sweet little baby boy of ours. He has grown so fast and is becoming such a big boy that I can't even believe it. Though adjusting to a new city, home, and motherhood all at once has been one of the hardest things I've ever done, I feel that the hardest thing yet is coming tomorrow and Thursday.

Today is my last day home with Max. Tomorrow I become a working Mom, something I always envisioned I would be, but never knew how hard it would be. Thursday will be Max's first day of daycare.

Making the decision to go back to work and leave my baby with someone else feels like I'm going against every fiber of my being telling me not to do it. Its overwhelming. I wish we could afford for me to stay home, but right now, we can't. I never thought I would even want to stay at home, but as soon as I laid eyes on this little boy, everything changed. Everything is different with him in my world. I feel a need to protect him and comfort him and be there for him every minute of the day. Thinking of him crying without me or needing my comfort feels like a knife to my heart. Not being there for him is going to be a huge challenge for me.

While my "career" will always be important to me, I can now say that being a mom is even more important. I hope one day I will look back and be glad I made the decision to go to work and help provide a better life for our family. I hope I can find that happy balance between being a career minded woman and a mommy. Right now it's hard to think about.

I sit here now rocking my sleeping bundle of joy holding back the tears that have been there since he was born. I knew this day would come and I know I will get through it. I know Max will be ok and I will gradually get over the anguish of leaving him. This week and in the weeks to come I will cry many tears. I hope it gets easier because I feel like I'm breaking.

I will miss him so much.