Overwhelmed

I just don't feel right.
Im happy, I'm sad, I'm overwhelmed, I'm exhausted, I'm worried, I'm mad, I'm anxious.

I am regretting moving to Omaha, big time. I miss being in charge of my own life. I miss my (our) independence. I miss my friends. I feel bad that I really don't want to see or hang out with our family every single week or even every other week. It overwhelms me. I need space. I want my short time (weekends) with my baby to myself.

I MISS CHICAGO BADLY. I miss being inspired by what I see every day. I miss being around cultured people and people from all walks of life and from all ethnicities. I'm trying so hard to make the best of being here again, but I'm really struggling.

I love being a mom to Max and love being with Max but I hate feeling like a failure almost every single day.
I feel guilty for working, I miss spending days with him. I worry if I'm doing the right thing.

I wish our home felt like ours, but I don't think it ever will. When I say that I feel it will be taken as being ungrateful for what we do have, but I'm really not ungrateful. I just want it to feel like our place is ours. Like our apartment did. home. This doesn't.

I feel guilt over not being able to do it all. The house isn't clean enough or decorated the way I want. I have no time to myself to do anything but at the same time I'd rather just spend all my spare time holding, being with or playing with or taking care of Max so I guess I don't really want the me time.

I feel possessive and often anxious and worried when Max is with others, even momentarily. I don't want him being taken away from me. I hate being away from him even for while. It's so hard. I sometimes feel like people want to take him away from me.

I'm crying and I don't know why I feel this way. I feel like a failure feeling sad and feeling overwhelmed. I hate myself for not being perfect, thin, pretty enough... Everything. I feel like everyone else can do it all but I can't. I want to do things myself, I don't want help and I don't want people offering to "help" incessantly. It only makes me feel worse. If I need help I will ask.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going through the motions but I don't have time to really enjoy anything because inside I'm always worrying about what I haven't done or what I need to do or what I'm not doing right.

It's nearly a week from Christmas and we've only gotten one gift as of today. I hate feeling behind... all. the. time.

If we hadn't moved and changed SO many things in our lives all at once I feel like I would be doing much better. This move and new jobs for both of us, new home, new (again) city ON TOP of being new parents has really been incredibly hard. I feel like I will never feel normal and put together again.

I'm sad.