new year blues

Its the new year and you are supposed to feel like you can restart and be happy and all that good stuff. Not me...I just feel bummed out now because I look back at 2009 and think about how I have done almost nothing this past year to better myself or my career. Aside from the weight loss, which is good I know, I feel like I haven't accomplished anything else.

My lay off has really screwed me up career wise and I can't believe its been this long and people still are not hiring in my industry. Its still really slow out there. I have talked to a couple people in my field and they said they think it will be a while before things pick up. They said this is the worst they have seen it for our industry since 1992. Man, its hard not to feel like I got the short end of the stick here. I just get started with my new career and then, BOOM...I am laid off during one of the worst times ever for our industry. Its hard not to feel like I made the wrong decision or like I screwed up. I am getting to the point where I don't know what I am going to do next. I may have to find something else to do for work that is completely unrelated to my field, just to make money, which sucks. I think it will be even harder to find something unrelated because who will hire me knowing that I am a designer and I am going to go back to that as soon as I can?!

Its hard not to get upset about it because I feel like I have messed up so many things for us. Even though its really not my fault, I feel like it is. I want to have a family and move forward with our lives, and because of my lay off we are at a stand still. It is hard, I guess I am just not sure what to do next. I worry about things one day, and the next day I don't. I try to stay positive, but its hard to be in limbo like this. ugh. I don't know if we should stay here in Chicago or if we should move, I don't know where I want to be, I just know I want to get back to normal, whatever that is.

Plus, I have never really wanted to have a baby more than I do now and I feel like we will have to wait forever for things to be settled again so that we can. Everywhere I turn and everything I do, all I think about is having a baby. Maybe its turning 30, maybe its just been long enough, I don't know, I just know that I want to have one in the near future. But then, when I think about a baby I worry about money and about where we will live and where I will be working, and how we will afford day care, clothes, food, etc, etc...so then a whole other bag of worms gets opened when I think about a baby, so it just adds to the stress. I wish things could be back to normal and I could get a decent job so we could get back on track. I wish, I wish, I wish.... apparently that doesn't work.
Sorry for the pity party, just feeling bad lately I guess.